Crucial Conversations – How We ‘Show Up’ Matters

Working with and thinking with others is not always easy.  So often we want to win an argument or have things turn out “just how we had planned”.  When you are sincerely attempting to build shared meaning with others you will have to let go of:

I Win (and I am not kidding) and You Loose game

Salute and Stay Mute game – don’t confront people in authority

Freeze game – give someone you truly care about the cold shoulder to get them to treat you better

Indirect and Ineffective game – hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make your points

Maneuvering Martyr game – play the martyr and then pretend we’re actually trying to help

Avoid the Source game – we blame an entire group of people for a problem – hoping the message will hit the right target

Choose Silence game – withhold meaning from the pool

Violence games – (it is a harsh word – the authors do not choose it lightly) not knowing how to stay in dialogue we rely on violence

Anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks

We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments

We discredit others, hoping people won’t believe their arguments

We use every manner of force to get our way

We borrow power from the boss

We hit people with monologues

The above information comes from a very good book: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High – Patterson, Grenny, McMillin and Switzler, McGraw-Hill 2002  page 24


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